Sometimes I wonder why I am in this position.

Sometimes I am grateful for being employed.

Sometimes I hate being a human being in this society in this era.

Sometimes I know it is my blessings to be alive and able and a part of this family.

Sometimes I wish to go back in time and start my life all over again on a total different path.

Sometimes I wish for my time to end the very next moment for I cannot bear to carry on my life any further.

Sometimes I wish I have more time to do what I want.

Sometimes I simply wish that time will stop there and then.

Sometimes I wish I am a baby once again.

Sometimes I wish I am resting in peace and cremated and placed in an urn near my father and granny.


The Ability To Eat Is A Bliss

When I was normal (and when I say normal, I mean well and alive, and not bound with illness), I was always trying to restrict myself on my diet. I always tell myself that I must not succumb to temptations, and must stick to a healthier food range, though I still indulge in some junk food here and there. However, when I got this series of gastric attacks two weeks ago and this week, when I could not eat nor drink anything, when all I was doing was vomiting, even all I consumed was merely a couple of teaspoons of plain porridge water, I began to appreciate the ability to eat.

I have always been wondering why we humans need food as fuel, and then we have to get them digested and then finally, passed out of our body. This system is so tiring. If we do not eat, or eat enough or punctual enough, we will get gastric problems. If we eat too much, we will get into trouble with obesity. If we do not get the particles passed out of our body, we will be laden with toxins, and the system will go haywire. So, why do we have to eat in the first place? Why were humans created and made to go through this chain/cycle?

There are people who eat to live. There are others who live to eat. I would say I belong more to the former population. Most of the times, I do not really care about the selection of food I eat, or rather, so long as there is a meat dish and a vegetable dish, I am happy. Perhaps, it was because of my past employment in the F&B industry, which opened my eyes to the behind-the-dining-area scenes. Not that I saw how dirty or thoughtless the food were being handled, but rather, the chain, from the raw ingredients to the presented dish, enlightened me that it is no tough task, and I could cook dishes like that myself, too. All I need is the recipes, or trials-and-errors. Most probably, this is why ever since, I have not much of an enthusiasm to be out dining. It is nice to have a meal at a nice restaurant/eatery once in a while, with great companions. But it is not a must-have. And I would really rather save up the money, which I can easily prepare a meal with just a fraction of the bill. True, the trade-off is that I have to spend hours shopping for and preparing the ingredients, then have loads of washing to do after the feast. But I would prefer it this way to spending much more money at a restaurant, otherwise.

Back to the moments when I cannot consume anything, it was honestly awful. Firstly, I had to be able to ingest my medications, in order to recover from these nasty gastric attacks. Secondly, I really felt the hunger pangs, even though I should not be having any appetite at all. One moment, I was taking my medicines, then porridge water. Next, I was puking out everything I consumed just half an hour before. It was when I could not eat anything as I wish, that I realized how a bliss it is to be able to eat normally.

I was telling my Mom, that I wanted to eat fried chicken, burger, fries… Haha… It is so dejecting when you cannot even do the only thing you really enjoy in life.

I am still having the mild attacks every now and then, and before it gets worse, I would munch something light and non-oily, maybe a digestive biscuit or two. I would also make myself cups of milk, with condensed milk, every time I feel the acid secreting in my ill gastric. It is my savior. It was the only thing I could ingest without vomiting, two days ago. Since yesterday, I have been drinking more diluted condensed milk than plain water. While I know it is not a healthy choice, I only have this option for now.

Horrible Treatment

A colleague had just been terminated on the spot, after her probation period being extended a month ago. She had already scheduled her medical surgery, and she was told initially that she would not be able to claim for it under the company insurance. If she were to be terminated on Monday, the exact day when her extended probation would be up, she would be able to make the claim, according to the black-and-white. That was exactly the intention, to disallow her make any further claims. Then, when she requested the Head of HR to allow her to make this claim, he agreed to change the terms, that is, to give her two weeks’ notice, and he gave her the choice to resign on her own accord. But before that, the HR Manager actually refused to let her have this last benefit.

True, she has been calculative on the benefits entitlement, and has already claimed over a thousand dollars on medical care, even before she was being confirmed as a permanent employee. And yes, she has been going around complaining about how overloaded she had been, how ridiculous her boss(es) had been, how appalling other colleagues are, so on and so forth. She has not been the best and most pleasant employee around. However, this kind of treatment from a corporate to an individual is so disgusting!

What kind of company have I gotten myself into, again? It is just so distasteful! Damn. Though I have been conscientious at work, nobody can guarantee this will never happen to me. I have to start finding a way out now.

Damn it!





A Rainy Morning

Drizzle at a moment
Downpour at the next
Racing against time and people
Dashing across pools and puddles
Wriggle into jam-packed cart
Struggle to balance amongst early birds
Hustle out of the aggressive mass
Ape up on the never-ending steps
Longing for a leisure gait
Can't help but to hasten strides
Unable to fathom the urgent trait
Simply accept it as a habituated quirk
Time to kickoff another usual day
Yet dread of the same old wrath

Raise Your Standard, Not Your Voice

I have a colleague, who loves to raise her voice, whenever someone opposes to her, or negates her words. I find it irksome, to the core.

Whenever she did that, I told myself that she is simply an inferior subject, trying to cover up her insecurity. She often reminded me of an ex-boyfriend, who did all kinds of stuffs to conceal his inferiority complex. Manipulative, over-possessive, overbearing, demanding, unreasonable, attention-seeking, you name it. I was in that tormented relationship for nearly 3 years. Hence, you bet, I know it when an insecure individual comes near me.

However, today, just a while ago, I discovered something new. She raises her voice, to make herself look superior. A little different from the above description. A person with inferiority complex feels small, and tries all means to prove himself/herself to others. A person who simply loves to make herself look surpassing, because she truly believes that she is better than everyone else, is totally another case. And it is even more annoying.

I honestly feel that, if you are good, people know it. If you are not good enough, don’t act loudly, for it only makes you a bigger joke.